Nadine’s journey into pornography

Compared to all the professional types who were on the program at the Coalition to End Sexual Exploitation 2014 Summit in the Virginia suburbs of Washington, Nadine was relatively obsequious. She just sat in a chair along with a couple of other women for a late-morning panel last Friday, one of several presentations that day.

But Nadine’s story was truly compelling. Compared to the other women who spoke with their professional research about pornography and its effects, Nadine’s story was personal. She had actually been in pornographic movies.

Nadine — she didn’t use her last name during her remarks — looked to be in her 70s. See appeared to be quite unassuming, but that could be because she was conditioned to be that way.

“My mom was a product of the 1940s, when you went to college to get your ‘MRS’ degree,” Nadine said. But then Nadine came along. “I was the stone in her puddle. She couldn’t be who she wanted to be now that she had me.”

It left the little girl emotionally starved -– “no conversation, no touching, no nothing at all,” Nadine said. It got to the point that her mother would develop a list of offenses she had committed each day to tell her father, who would then spank her when he came home from work. “I remember my dad really being angry when I stopped crying” after being hit, she added.

Nadine went to a Catholic school, where she was regularly bullied, including what she called mental torment and abuse. “The nuns turned a blind eye” to it, she said, adding that her father told her, “If you cooperate with the boys, it won’t hurt so bad.” She did cooperate, but it still hurt.

“By the time I got to high school, I was an emotional wreck,” she recalled. “I graduated high school, I don’t know how.” After graduating, Nadine moved to another town to get away from her family.

“I went to a dance, and the man came down from the bandstand and asked me for a date,” Nadine said. On that first date, she remembers, “I got into a Porsche. We went back to the big city, dinner, dancing. He asked me to marry him on the first date.” She declined.

As they continued dating, though, she was told, “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to that man.” “I hate when you get referred to as a ‘thing,’” she said. However, “he was taking care of me. He wasn’t hurting me,” but now she understands that this new boyfriend of hers was grooming her to appear in porn movies. “He spotted me, he groomed me, and he married me.”

CNS image created using

CNS image created using

One day, not long after she turned 21, Nadine’s husband told her they were going to go to a friend’s house for dinner and drinks. “The man who was to film me for the next three years and three months showed me” the things he had in his basement, which would double as his studio. “I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, but this man was a friend of my husband,” so she figured he couldn’t harm her, she said.

But then “I got a shot in my arm. He drugged me,” she recounted. “The first time (she was filmed)I remember almost everything,” Nadine said. But they kept returning to the house. “I was filmed every two or three months, several sessions at one time.” Nadine never put up any protest to her husband. But to cope, she added, “I was drinking water glasses full of liquor.” Because of the harshness of the sexual activity, Nadine noted, “it took me two or three weeks before I could be intimate with my husband.”

Her husband never said anything about Nadine’s prolonged absences from the dinner parties. They went on summertime yacht trips. He also fathered three children with her. But when the porn business beckoned, according to Nadine, “he would drop in on me and say, ‘You can go shopping with’ — the pornographer’s wife. It was just an excuse to get me over there.”

What happened to Nadine, she told her attentive audience, “was a lot of violence, being in a bedroom and being raped and locked in — a lot of bad stuff. … I learned to cooperate. If I saw it happening to someone else, I just” — here she clicked her tongue -– “checked out.”

“(The pornographer) told me I was a star. So I guess you could say I was a porn star,” Nadine said, pausing before she gave a cheerless, quiet “Yay.”

She admitted, “I compromised. But I was young and wanted to live.” Even so, Nadine noted, “I had a suicide plan.”

At one point she decided she had had enough. “I left a note, took a bag and my hair dryer, and I left,” Nadine said. “I went to work. I got a sleeping bag and a pillow and rented an apartment.” But the day after she got her apartment, “my husband found me, strangled and beat me.”

She got a divorce — and got nothing in the settlement, suspecting that her lawyer had been bought off by her husband’s attorney — “but the threats and the stalking continued,” Nadine said.

At one point in her hard-won freedom, the pornographer’s wife offered to meet her one last time. She, too, had been sickened over what had gone on in her house, and over the course of a weekend she filled in a lot of blanks for Nadine. One of the revelations: “My husband did know what was going on. He was the (film) editor.” Another revelation: “One of the girls from the pornographer’s house was in my house four days after I left.”

What’s it like for Nadine now, decades after all this? “It’s really bad,” she said. “I have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder. Panic attacks. I hate when I have to throw up” because it reminds her of some of the scenes she had to act in in the porn movies. And “don’t ask me to make a decision about anything,” she advised. “It’s just a horrendous experience.”

She remarried. “On the honeymoon I knew something was wrong. He was gay, and he only wanted children,” Nadine said.

The pornography also had a negative effect on her now-grown children. All three have chronic health conditions, brought on by the drugs she was injected with while pregnant so she would act in porn movies.

“I’m in isolation. It’s self-imposed,” Nadine said. “The last several years, the Lord my God, the king of the universe, he sent good people to be with me.

Nadine considers herself lucky in that she never caught a sexually transmitted disease during her brief but all-too-long career.

What disgusts Nadine is the apparently true prophecy of the pornographer. “The main filming me said, ‘You are setting precedent. Someday what you are doing now will be normal.’ And then I look at music and TV and video games …” Her voice trailed off, a tacit acknowledgment of how on the mark he had been.

In their words: Hopes for Pope Francis’ Holy Land visit

By Judith Sudilovsky

JERUSALEM — Pope Francis has emphasized that the main purpose of his May 24-26 visit to the Holy Land is ecumenical, but many in Israel, Jordan and the Palestinian territories are hoping he will use his diplomatic savvy to make some strong political statements. Here, in their own words, are what some people are hoping for:

A Syrian refugee in Jordan uses are to help process memories. (CNS/Dale Gavlak)

A Syrian refugee in Jordan uses art to help process memories. (CNS/Dale Gavlak)

“We hope he will say a word of faith to the Christians, that he will address us with his words to encourage us like his pope predecessors. The second word (we hope to hear) is of justice and peace, addressing the political situation. We are waiting for a word of justice for Israel and Palestinians alike, and then we will pray as well. He will make out of this wish a prayer for all, Jews, Christians, Muslim and Druze and all who live in the Holy Land so this Holy Land will truly become the Holy Land, a land of holiness, of security and peace and reconciliation to all those who live here.” — Jerusalem’s retired Latin Patriarch Michel Sabbah

“Everything is political here. We would like for the pope, who is also a high political figure, to use his diplomatic capacity in a situation when the peace process is almost completely halted … so that world governments will respect international law which should be … a point of reference for the process.” — Hind Khoury, Sabeel Ecumenical Liberation Theology Center executive board member and former Palestinian minister for Jerusalem affairs

“All Palestinians are waiting to welcome the pope. We need a message of justice, of peace of encouragement of hope for the future. We are living in a difficult situation politically with nothing going on but (Israeli) settlements, and with no near perspectives for peace. … We need … the pope is to strengthen us and to encourage us.” — Father Jamal Khader, Beit Jalla seminary rector, Latin Patriarchate of Jerusalem

“We hope the pope will bring peace and stability to our troubled region. We long to see Syria return to normal. We Christians want to find encouragement from the Holy Father being in our midst.” — Abu Reda, Syrian businessman from Damascus living in Jordan

– – –

Contributing to this story was Dale Gavlak in Al-Um-Kundun, Jordan.

The size of God’s love in Lourdes: you can find it in ‘Small’ and ‘Extra Large’


A statue of Our Lady of Lourdes facing the Rosary Basilica in Lourdes, France. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

LOURDES, France — Love comes in many sizes, and here in Lourdes, it’s everywhere — big and small.

From the huge Rosary Basilica perched over the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes to the small gestures of kindness from residents, volunteers and pilgrims.

Those who are sick, elderly or struggling with difficulties find compassion and care, and special lanes are dedicated just to those in wheelchairs.

As I watched dozens of people being wheeled along the busy streets in the village or the quiet lanes near the sanctuary, what struck me was how all of them had colorful hand-knit or croqueted blankets draped across their legs, around their shoulders or tucked behind them.


Pilgrims needing assistance find compassion and care, as well as handmade blankets from volunteers. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

I wondered how could it be all these visitors were expert knitters or had loved-ones making them such nice wrappings to bring on their pilgrimage?


Carla Zanoner, a volunteer from the Trentino region in Italy, shows off a handmade blanket loaned to pilgrims visiting Lourdes. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

Turns out volunteers make the blankets of every style and color to help stave off the chill from the cool mountain air.

Carla Zanoner, a volunteer from Trentino, Italy, showed off some of the blankets they loan out while people are in Lourdes.

“When we pick people up at the train station, lots of times it’s cold or it’s raining, so this helps them keep warm,” she told me. “They get here exhausted. One group from Sicily spent two and a half days on the train,” and volunteers are there to meet them after what is often a very long journey to get to this small town in southern France near the Pyrenees.

Carla, who was working at the shrine’s “lost and found” center May 16, says she comes to Lourdes 10 days a year, every year, to help out. “Pilgrims find strength and energy here and so do we” by helping them. “We get a boost and we head home renewed,” she said.

This weekend was dedicated to an international pilgrimage of military men and women, and their families.


Representatives of the Knights of Columbus lead a procession of wounded U.S. soldiers to the sanctuary of Our Lady of Lourdes. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

More than 36 nations were represented and the Knights of Columbus sponsored 125 wounded active duty or retired troops and family members to come to Lourdes for a weekend of fellowship, prayer and healing.

An Irish volunteer traveling with a pilgrim group was handing out military rosaries — rosaries made by knotting camouflage military cord “for the safety of our brave soldiers” wherever they may find themselves, the enclosed brochure said.

military rosary

A military rosary, knotted out of camouflage military cord. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

Bishop Richard Spencer of the U.S. Archdiocese for the Military Services was in attendance along with dozens of military chaplains from around the world.


Bishop Richard Spencer is an auxiliary bishop of the Archdiocese for the Military Services. He hands out “little miracles” to troops he visits abroad and people he meets. (CNS photo/Carol Glatz)

Bishop Spencer, who has served in Bosnia, South Korea, Iraq and Afghanistan, was handing out “little miracles” — a special calling card with his contact information and an inspirational saying hidden inside.

It’s a novel way, when visiting troops around the world, to open the door to dialogue about God with people who are not Catholic or don’t belong to any faith.

He said he asks people if they would like “a fortune cookie.”

Almost everyone says ‘Yes,” and he hands them the tiny card.  My inspirational saying said: “You are more, much more, than what you have.”

He said he’s handed out thousands of the cards since he started doing it in 2006. It gets the conversation going, he said, and people come back to him for more — more support, more inspiration, more dialogue.

“They’re hungry for something, for a little touch of grace” in their lives, he said.

19th-century frescos uncovered in Jerusalem Catholic hospital

A broken pipe in this room at St. Louis French Hospital in Jerusalem revealed 19th-century frescoes depicting Crusader-inspired art. (CNS/Courtesy St. Louis French Hospital)

A broken pipe in this room at St. Louis French Hospital in Jerusalem led hospital administrators to discover 19th-century frescoes depicting Crusader era- inspired images. (CNS/Courtesy St. Louis French Hospital)

By Judith Sudilovsky

JERUSALEM — Riding on the wave of interest of all things Catholic prior to Pope Francis’ visit to the Holy Land, the Israel Antiquities Authority invited journalists to take a peek at a series of fascinating 19th-century frescos depicting the city’s Crusader history discovered at the St. Louis French Hospital.

The hospital is located next to the Notre Dame of Jerusalem Center where the pope will meet with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

Normally the hospital does not allow journalists to walk around its halls in order to protect the privacy of patients.

The frescos were discovered in the course of reorganizing  a storeroom. In addition, a water pipe had burst in the building earlier, loosening the modern plaster and paint on a wall revealing 19th-century paintings.

“When we got everything out we saw this beauty-filled room. We are blessed to be in a place like this, so full of history. We have to maintain it for the people who come after us even if we don’t have money to fully restore it,” said hospital director Sister Monika Dullman as she showed a journalist around.

She noted that even though the narrow doorways of the hospital are sometimes unsuited for wheelchairs and hospital beds, it is unthinkable to widen them because it would mean destroying some of the paintings.

In the wake of the discovery, conservators with the Israeli Antiquities Authority assisted the sisters in cleaning and stabilizing some of the paintings. The conservators told the sisters the paintings are in the style characteristic of monumental church decorations of the 19th century, with close attention to small details and motifs from the world of medieval art.

The building itself is a two-story structure built in the Renaissance and Baroque style, and is named for St. Louis IX, king of France and leader of the seventh crusade (1248-1254). The hospital it houses was founded by French Count Comte Marie Paul Amedee de Piellat, a Catholic who visited Jerusalem many times in the second half of the 19th century.

De Piellat built the hospital between 1879 and 1896. He considered himself to be a descendant of the Crusaders. He chose to build the hospital at the historic area where the army of the Norman King Tancred camped before brutally breaching Jerusalem’s walls with his allies.

Also an artist, de Piellat decorated the walls and ceiling of the hospital with large paintings portraying Crusader knights in their armor and brandishing swords alongside the heraldry symbols of the French knights’ families. He added the symbols of the Crusader cities, symbols, military orders and monastic orders.

The count later went on to build the Notre Dame Center as a hostel for Christian pilgrims.

When the Turks took over the building during World War I, they covered the frescos with black paint. At the end of the war the count returned to the hospital and devoted the rest of his life to removing the black paint. He died in the hospital in 1925.

Hospital administrators said they have no intention of turning the facility into a tourist attraction, preferring that the “humble and quiet sacred work” of caring for the sick continue undisturbed.

Holy Land events are prelude to Pope Francis’ visit

By Judith Sudilovsky

JERUSALEM — As Pope Francis’s visit to the Holy Land approaches, the trip is being marked with special events, government sessions, online videos and a photography exhibition both in Israel and the Palestinian Authority.

The activities look at the history of the relationship between the Vatican and the Holy Land and serve to urge Pope Francis to look at the current political situation in the region during his brief stay.

The Palestinian Authority Government Media Center has produced a series of videos showing the daily reality of the Palestinian people called “The Living Stones: Messages from Palestine.” Meanwhile, Israel’s Knesset honored St. John XXIII for his role as pope in opening ties between the Vatican, Israel and the Jews.

Pope Paul VI and Ecumenical Patriarch Athenagoras attend a prayer service in Jerusalem in January 1964. Special exhibits assembled by the

Pope Paul VI and Ecumenical Patriarch Athenagoras attend a prayer service in Jerusalem in January 1964. Special exhibits in Jerusalem and elsewhere have been developed by the Franciscan Custody in the Holy Land to commemorate the pope’s journey. (CNS/Catholic Press Photo)

The Franciscan Custody in Holy Land in the meantime has put together a photographic exhibit, “1964-2014 Pope Paul VI in the Holy Land” which commemorates the historic journey of Pope Paul, the first modern day pontiff to visit the Holy Land. It includes images and testimonies from that time.

The exhibition in Jerusalem is divided into two parts, with 15 panels shown at the St. Savior Monastery at the Old City’s New Gate. Five additional panels are being shown at the nearby Christian Information Center at the Jaffa Gate and include liturgical material, stamps, coins, postcards and souvenirs from the visit.

Panels of photos also can be seen at other sites visited by Pope Paul including St. Lazarus Church in Bethany, Good Shepherd Church in Jericho, St. Catherine Church, Basilica of the Annunciation in Nazareth, Mount Tabor, Tabgha, Capernaum and Mount of Beatitudes.

A special session of the Knesset, the legislative branch of the Israeli government, convened May 13 to honor St. John XXIII.

“Until now, Israel and the Jewish nation have not found a way to express appreciation for the unique character that was John XXIII. The pope is commendable both as regards to his relationship to the Jewish nation and to the Israeli nation. I think that he is the most humanitarian and enlightened pope ever regarding his attitude toward Jews. Pope John XXIII was the one who gathered the College of Cardinals in order to remove the collective guilt for the murder of Jesus,” said Knesset member Yair Tzaban.

The International Raoul Wallenberg Foundation, among the initiators of the session, noted in an earlier statement that in the 1940s, while serving as apostolic delegate to Turkey, then-Archbishop Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli helped save the lives of thousands of European Jews persecuted by the Nazis. Later, during his tenure as Pope John XXIII, the statement said, he was the “great promoter of a new climate of dialogue, respect and reconciliation,” through the document “Nostra Aetate” and led the way to the Second Vatican Council.

St. John XXIII’s biographer, Alberto Melloni, attended the session and spoke about the moderate Catholic background from which the pope came and his special relationship with Judaism.

Yair Auron, an Israeli historian, bemoaned the reality in “which Israeli children know almost nothing about John XXIII.”

“We have a mindset that the world is against us and we must fight against this notion, which has become a part of our identity,” he said. “We must also remember the righteous of the world who risked themselves for our sakes and we must view them as exemplary models. The racism in Israeli society continues to develop in an amazingly terrible way.”

Auxiliary Bishop Giacinto-Boulos Marcuzzo of Jerusalem attended the session and noted that many people who worked in order to save Jews in the Holocaust did so because of their deep faith.

“Monks, priests, bishops and other men of religion did so not just from their personal initiative, but also because of a strong faith a part of which, among other things, is the Old Testament,” he said.

The bishop who was set free

Editor’s Note: Kevin Clarke, senior editor and chief correspondent for America magazine, is reporting from Central African Republic and is touring programs operated by Catholic Relief Services. His blog posts are being published by Catholic News Service under a special arrangement with the magazine. This post was filed May 12.

By Kevin Clarke

“The general security situation in this country is awful,” says Bishop Nestor-Desire Nongo-Aziagbia of Bossangoa, Central African Republic.

“Terrible,” he adds, shaking his head sadly.

Bishop Nestor-Desire Nongo Aziagbia of Bossangoa, Central African Republic. (Courtesy of America magazine)

Bishop Nestor-Desire Nongo-Aziagbia of Bossangoa, Central African Republic. (Courtesy of America magazine)

Behind him, across the grounds of the archbishop’s residence in Bangui where he is visiting in early May, the Ubangi River drifts serenely between the Democratic Republic of Congo and the Central African Republic as men in dugout canoes ferry people and products from one side to the other. This night in Bangui would probably be little different from many of the others in recent weeks. The overall level of violence has declined a great deal since anti-Balaka and Seleka forces were in open combat in February and March, but each day brings new outrages against some unfortunate Christian or Muslim man from one side or the other and a new round of reprisal attacks.

Sadly, the bishop has had firsthand experience with just how awful the security situation in Central Africa can be. He has personally survived a kidnapping attempt that appeared to be on its way to a summary execution. Bishop Nongo-Aziagbia considers himself fortunate to have “national or international status.”

“People organized at the national level [and] at the international level for my freedom. Many people in this country wouldn’t have the same chance and their deaths would have passed unknown to everybody.”

Traveling northeast, 215 kilometers from Bossangoa to Our Lady of Conception Church at Bantangafo, on April 16, the bishop planned to restore its priests and observe Holy Thursday with the community. Instead he was seized at a roadblock manned by Seleka rebels.

Read more here.

Sowing survival in Central African Republic

Editor’s Note: Kevin Clarke, senior editor and chief correspondent for America magazine, is reporting from Central African Republic and is touring programs operated by Catholic Relief Services. His blog posts are being published by Catholic News Service under a special arrangement with the magazine. This post was filed May 8.

By Kevin Clarke

BOSSANGOA, Central African Republic — The truck lurches and weaves with every rut and gully — and there are many of them on the bush trail — in slow, but steady progress through to the outlying. The day before, two large lorries broke down repeatedly during the same exercise through these small villages that surround this northern Central African Republic city, and this morning an adroit mechanic cannibalized parts from a third vehicle to ensure that the others would make it into the bush and back again. The cargo it carries each patient kilometer, corn and peanut seed meant to salvage the growing season, is a precious, life-saving weight.

Tents for displaced people are seen on the grounds of St. Anthony of Padua Cathedral in Bossangoa, Central African Republic, Nov. 25, 2013. (CNS/Reuters)

Tents for displaced people are seen on the grounds of St. Anthony of Padua Cathedral in Bossangoa, Central African Republic, Nov. 25, 2013. (CNS/Reuters)

“We could be looking at a famine in the Central African Republic in August,” says Kyla Neilan, a program manager for Catholic Relief Services based in Bossangoa, a community hard-hit by the months of disorder and communal violence in the country. “It’s make or break this harvest season. If people have food to eat in August, they can start to recover. If people don’t have seeds in the ground now, and they have no crop in August … people will start to die.”

The church’s international relief and development agencies, Catholic Relief Service/Caritas, aim to get seed along with cultivation tools to as many as 10,000 families in the subsistence farming villages that surround Bossangoa. There is no small amount of haste to these efforts, and each day that a truck breaks down and reduces the reach of the relief agencies is a frustrating worry. They have to get seed and tools to all these families by the end of May. The rainy season has already begun; soon these hard, copper-colored trails will become essentially impassable, red mud that will leave truck wheels spinning futilely. By then it will be too late to sow.

The hunger is already upon these villagers. In nearby Bamzenbe, Doctors Without Borders is treating children suffering from acute malnutrition or opportunistic infections that their hungry bodies are too weak to resist, Neilan reports. People are languishing without the strength to plant crops or find work because of malnutrition.

Read more here.